The TCK Identity Crisis: When You Don't Know Who You Are Anymore

There comes a point in many Third Culture Kids' lives when the question "Who am I, really?" feels less like curiosity and more like a crisis.

Some of you may have grown up feeling like your identity isn't a solid foundation to stand on - but is instead a moving target you're constantly chasing. Changing with the country you're in, the language you're speaking, or the people you're around. You learned to adapt, to blend in, to fit cultural expectations like chameleons. But after years of shape-shifting, you may find yourselves wondering...what's actually me?

This is the TCK identity crisis. And if you're in it right now, you're not alone.

When "Home" Isn't a Straightforward Answer

If you have been following my blog, you have heard me talk a lot about the idea of home and how TCKs may identify home differently. Home can be a very complicated picture, but there is still beauty in it. It can be easy to anchor your identity to a location, and then when you suddenly leave or are pulled away from that location, you start to feel like you're floating with nowhere to go.

When I first started college, I felt like I was floating in a strange place with nowhere to land and nowhere to call home anymore. Discovering my true identity and realizing it was not grounded in the place I grew up was not an overnight process. But I found immense comfort in Philippians 3:20, "But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior." If you are a follower of Christ, you can find solace in knowing that you were never created to "fit in" on earth because you were made to be with Christ in heaven for eternity. Standing out does not have be a bad thing, if you are standing out knowing your identity in Christ, people will begin to see an other worldly confidence and light in you that they may begin to desire.

Losing Pieces of Yourself to Fit In

TCKs are experts at adjusting. We adapt to avoid rejection. We may switch accents mid-sentence. We nod politely when others make references that we have yet to discover. We become who we need to be in any given moment - but sometimes, in the process, we lose sight of who we really are.

The identity crisis creeps in quietly. You might notice it when you realize you're acting differently depending on who you're with. Or when you feel like you can't be fully known by anyone because no one has the full picture of your upbringing. Or maybe it hits you when you return "home" and feel like a stranger.

I love the quote by Tim Keller, "To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything." My pastor once said, "God can't heal what you hide." You will never be fully known and fully loved if you keep turning into the chameleon in every setting. No one will ever get the full picture of who you are in all your beauty.

Be yourself and be reminded that you can't be anyone other than who God created you to be. Talk in your accent loud and proud. Own the pop culture reference you know nothing about. Acknowledge what others can help you learn and what you can teach others.

Rebuilding Identity from the Inside Out

I know all of these things are much easier said than done. This kind of identity crisis is hard no matter who you are and when it happens. Acknowledging that it is hard and that you need people to walk alongside you in it, is the first step in the right direction.

So what do you do when you don't know who you are anymore?

You start by looking up instead of out. Instead of focusing on everyone else and the things you think make you stick out, look up and focus in on Jesus. Sit with Him, share your innermost thoughts and feelings as you wrestle with who you are. Be honest with God in it. None of it comes as a surprise to Him and He is there for it all. If you focus on other things your identity will always feel confusing and messy, but as soon as Jesus comes into focus he can remind you of who you are.

If you need help talking to Jesus about this, start here:

• Jesus, who do you say I am?

• Where in my life have I lost sight of my identity?

Ask each of these questions, then sit with Jesus in silence as He speaks to you! I know silence sometimes feels like the worse thing ever, but if you give Him the space to speak He will.

If you are a person of faith like I am, you anchor yourself in something unchanging: your identity in Christ. When everything else feels fluid - your surroundings, your accent, your sense of home - God's love for you remains steady. That truth can become the cornerstone of your identity.

If you're walking through an identity crisis right now, hear this: it's not a sign that something's wrong with you. It's a sign that you've lived a rich, layered life. The confusion is just part of the process of integrating all the parts of yourself into something whole.

You don't need to have all the answers. You don't need to explain yourself perfectly. You're allowed to be a work in progress. I know I still am and will be as long as I'm on this earth.